Pondering

Both of my boys have done this now. They were both around the same age when it happened. It's usually when we are looking at old pictures. Like wedding pictures.
It's always the same question, "Were was I?"
Yes. Childhood egocentricity. Love it.

"Well" I reply, "This is from before you were born. We didn't know you yet."

"Oh." And then the long pause, the wide eyes and the next question,
"But where was I?"

Well...um...well. What do you say? You didn't exist?
I've tried that. Childhood egocentricity doesn't get it.

Does not compute. Does not compute.

So we just tell them the truth, we don't know. We know when we became pregnant with them and we know when they came into our lives but we really don't know where or if they existed before then.

I've even asked them if they know where they were...they don't.

A lot of people worry about where they will go when they die. My kids worry about where they were before they were born. Because they had to have been somewhere, right?

It's funny to me when I view these conversations in relation to death, we as humans seem to think about death a lot. Many people spend their lives worrying about their death. But really, really, I've got to ask you, where were we before we were born?

And does it matter?

I know death is coming for me eventually. I know it could happen the minute I put my coffee down and step out of this room. Heck, it could happen mid sentence right here and now. It could happen any time.

Ack!.....



Just kidding.

I used to be afraid of death (I guess I still am a little). But for me, well, death is just a very natural process, like being born. It's probably going to hurt a little or even a lot, but you know what, it's going to happen, whether I want it to or not.

My husband shared this quote from Virgil that has stuck with me.

"Death twitches my ear. 'Live', he says, 'I am coming.'"

I mean really, that's all we can do. Live.

It's what I'm trying to do.

Live.

And in regards to my children, one of my heroes, Erik Erikson has this to say:

"Children will not fear life if their elders have integrity enough not to fear death."

Yes. Oh yes. Just yes.

Listen, I don't know if heaven or hell actually exists. I don't know what is waiting for me when I die but the great thing is that it's not my job to know.
No really, it isn't.

And there's no point in worrying about it. It just wastes the time I should spend living.

Now don't get me wrong, The Husband and I have done the best we can to prepare for our deaths with wills and trusts and insurance and whatnot. We want our children to be well cared for in the event of our demise but there's really only so much proactivity one can do.

If my children were unfortunate to lose their parents at a young age (and it could happen, oh yes it could), it would be a sad and difficult thing for them. But you know, they are really good strong kids and I just have to believe that they would try to make the best of it. I guess it would really be up to them though. It kind of reminds me of that poem I love so much about how our children are not our children because they have their own thoughts.

There is only so much control I have in this life and unless I consider offing myself (which I am not) I really have no control over when, where and how I die.

All I know is that death is a process, like being born. And that this is what I get. This life might be all I get and I intend to make the best of it.

I don't know where I'm going to go but I have a feeling, it might be the same place I came from before I was born. Maybe it's heaven, maybe it's nothing. It's not something I can concern myself with because there's not really anything I can do about it.


"Death twitches my ear. 'Live', he says, 'I am coming.'"

You got that right.

That's all I know.